Meghan Markle pregnancy: blogger shares hilarious parenting list for the mum-to-be

Lauren Dubois from The Thud has 30 suggestions for the Duchess of Sussex

October 17 2018

As soon as those two blue lines appear on a pregnancy test, women become inundated with advice from friends, family and strangers. Some of it is useful, some of it is annoying, and almost all of it is unsolicited.

But blogger Lauren Dubois of The Thud has created an hilarious list of tips for Meghan Markle – a kind of pregnancy bucket list of things the Duchess may wish to do before the Royal baby arrives… enjoy!

1. Take a photo of your face. Really zoom in on your eyes. There may be a day you’d like to look back at your ‘before’ photo.

2. Go for a drive by yourself and turn the music up really loud. Listen to the filthiest gangsta rap you can find and shout out all the explicit lyrics.

3. Better yet, drive in complete silence. Roll the windows up and enjoy the sound of your own breathing. Don’t scream at anyone and enjoy not answering the same question 473 times.

4. Go to the toilet with the door closed. Look around at all four walls and appreciate the complete privacy of having a bowel movement alone. Really commit to memory what it feels like to not discuss your poo with another person.

5. Watch someone walk into the bathroom. Watch them leave the bathroom. Do not discuss anything they did in there.

6. Wake up when you have finished sleeping.

7. Walk into a room. Remember why you’re there.

8. Read something smart. NOT POETRY. It’s really important it does not rhyme.

9. Make yourself a cup of tea. Make all the noise you want because no one is asleep in the house. Drink your tea while it’s still hot. 

10. Leave the house on a whim. Pick up your bag (which already has everything you need in it) and walk out the door. Don’t spend an hour running through a mental checklist. Don’t argue with anyone about shoes. Just get up and walk out of your house like you are the boss of your own life.

11. Wear all your dangly earrings.

12. Agree to give your friend a lift and don’t panic at the thought of them seeing the state of the car floor.

13. Don’t talk. Even if it’s just for an afternoon, enjoy not listening to your own voice. Enjoy not having to discuss the meaning of life every four minutes. Relish being able to carry out simple tasks without providing a running commentary of every muscle moved.

14. Shower every day.

15. Put a pair of scissors really close to the edge of the bench. Put a glass on the coffee table. Put a plate of food in front of someone and let them judge the temperature for themselves. Feel the adrenaline of risk surge through your veins.

16. Buy yourself some clothes from a shop that doesn’t have trolleys out the front.

17. Place a packet of chocolate biscuits in the middle of the room and eat the whole thing right out in the open, in plain view of anyone and everyone. Do not hide in your pantry and do not share. They’re all yours.

18. Have a lovely lunch with your girlfriends and appreciate how their eyes never glaze over when you’re speaking.

19. Greet your partner at the end of a long day with a big kiss and a hug. Ask him about his day and listen carefully to his response with interest and empathy. Give him your undivided attention and tell him his worries will always be your top priority.

20. Cuddle your pets. Lavish them with attention and tell them again you’ll never love the baby as much as them.

🐶 or 🐱? . Shout out to all the fur children who were unceremoniously replaced by human children . Oh Bella. My fur child. I told you so many lies . 'I'll never love anyone as much as I love you' . 'You'll always come first because you were my first baby' . 'I'll make sure the children never annoy you' . 'No one could ever replace you' . LIES . But I do think maybe Bella prepared me for motherhood more than I give her credit for because, well, cats are basically furry toddlers . They're disrespectful, they're entitled and they're disobedient . They ignore everything you say and do whatever the fuck they want . Your deep and unending love often feels unrequited . They'll be all cuddly and snuggly one minute and drawing blood the next . You'll find yourself screaming "WHAT DO YOU WAAAANT?" at them constantly . They react poorly to having water poured over their head . Trying to dress them in clothes will end in violence . People will stare if you try to walk them on a leash . They always throw up on the carpet instead of the tiles . They stare at you when you're on the toilet . Do love a cardboard box . They ruin all the nice furniture . They always want to sleep in your bed . They think 3am is the PERFECT time to party . . Cat or dog person? Which are you? . #Bella #bestbitchfaceinthebiz #mostdemandingcreatureinthishouse #youvealreadybeenfed #stopaskingforfoodat4am #stoptryingtowakeupthechildrenplease #iknowyouhatethem #butdoitformeplease #catsofinstagram #instacat

21. If you are not yet pregnant, go and jump on a trampoline. Enjoy not wetting yourself.

22. Clean your house. Sit and watch it stay clean.

23. Arrive somewhere on time.

24. Watch a whole movie from beginning to end.

25. Swear frequently. Don’t spell anything out. Don’t use any substitutes. Sugar, shoot, fudge, far out, fa la la la la, holy moly, jeepers etc. are not to be used.

26. Eat your dinner with both hands, while it’s hot.

27. Spend the hours between 4pm – 7pm thinking about yourself. Just sit and relax. Maybe take a bath. Please remember the ease of these hours. It’s important.

28. Talk to someone without needing to repeat yourself 326 times before they acknowledge you are speaking.

29. Start a task. Complete it in the expected timeframe.

30. Spend one final day thinking only about yourself and how you might fill your day and get ready for the greatest, most hectic adventure of your life.

What’s on your pregnancy bucket list? And what advice would you offer the Duchess?