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Controversial Meme Sends Powerful Message About Forcing Children To Hug

'I am 5. My body is my body.'

December 19 2016

There’s nothing quite like a warm hug!

  

However, a controversial meme is sending a powerful message when it comes to hugging children: it should be consensual.

 

The meme, posted on the A Mighty Girl Facebook page says: “I am 5. My body is my body. Don’t force me to kiss or hug. I learning about consent and your support on this will help me keep myself safe for the rest of my life.”

 

Katia Hetter taught her daughter an important lesson with a very simple phrase: "I would like you to hug Grandma, but I won't make you do it." Her then four-year-old daughter was going on what she describes as "a hugging and kissing strike" -- parents might receive a hug, but even close family would not. Hetter felt it provided a good opportunity to teach her daughter "that it's OK to say no to an adult who lays a hand on her -- even a seemingly friendly hand." As she explained, "I figure her body is actually hers, not mine. It doesn't belong to her parents, preschool teacher, dance teacher or soccer coach. While she must treat people with respect, she doesn't have to offer physical affection to please them. And the earlier she learns ownership of herself and responsibility for her body, the better for her." Hetter's decision is backed up by many parenting experts. Ursula Wagner from FamilyWorks in Chicago says that forcing physical contact like hugs "sends a message that there are certain situations [when] it's not up to them what they do with their bodies." That message can have multiple repercussions as children grow: Irene Vanderzand, cofounder of Kidpower Teenpower Fullpower International, says that "forc[ing] children to submit to unwanted affection in order not to offend a relative or hurt a friend's feelings, we teach them that their bodies do not really belong to them because they have to push aside their own feelings about what feels right to them... [this can lead] to children getting sexually abused, teen girls submitting to sexual behavior so 'he'll like me' and kids enduring bullying because everyone is 'having fun.'" Hetter also points out that allowing children to refuse hugs does not mean allowing them to be rude: "She has to be polite when greeting people, whether she knows them or not. When family and friends greet us, I give her the option of 'a hug or a high-five.' Since she's been watching adults greet each other with a handshake, she sometimes offers that option." Hetter explains to family members "why we're letting her decide who she touches." And, as she's already observed, there is one additional benefit to letting her daughter lead the way when it comes to physical contact: "When my child cuddled up to my mother on the sofa recently, happily talking to her about stories and socks and toes and other things, my mother's face lit up. She knew it was real." To read Hetter's entire article, "I don't own my child's body," on CNN, visit http://cnn.it/VLKGbO To start teaching children -- girls and boys alike -- from a young age about the need to respect others and their personal boundaries, we highly recommend "No Means No!: Teaching Children about Personal Boundaries, Respect and Consent" for ages 3 to 6 (http://www.amightygirl.com/no-means-no), "Your Body Belongs To You" for ages 3 to 5 (http://www.amightygirl.com/your-body-belongs-to-you), and "My Body! What I Say Goes!" for ages 3 to 6 (http://www.amightygirl.com/my-body) For older children, issues of body autonomy, boundaries, and consent are discussed in more comprehensive books that address topics such as puberty, sex education, and health, including "It's So Amazing!" for ages 6 to 9 (http://www.amightygirl.com/it-s-so-amazing) and the more detailed "It's Perfectly Normal" for ages 10 and up (http://www.amightygirl.com/it-s-perfectly) For more books to make it easier to discuss appropriate touching and personal boundaries with young children, we've recommended numerous titles for preschool and early elementary aged children in our blog post "Body Smart, Body Safe: Talking with Young Children about their Bodies" at http://www.amightygirl.com/blog?p=11069 For resources for tweens and teens on body autonomy, as well as general resources on their changing bodies, check out our blog post, "A Time of Change: Talking with Tweens and Teens about their Bodies" at http://www.amightygirl.com/blog?p=11090 For an excellent parenting book that offers advice on how to talk to teenagers about sex, respect, and consent, we highly recommend "For Goodness Sex: Changing the Way We Talk to Teens About Sexuality, Values, and Health" at http://www.amightygirl.com/for-goodness-sex And, for parents of children with special needs, "An Exceptional Child's Guide to Touch" is especially geared toward children with special needs from ages 3 to 7 or the equivalent developmental age (http://www.amightygirl.com/an-exceptional-children-s-guide-to-touch) -- and, for parenting guidance on teaching appropriate boundaries, check out "Teaching Children With Down Syndrome About Their Bodies, Boundaries, And Sexuality" (http://www.amightygirl.com/teaching-children-with-ds). Thanks to Safe kids, thriving families for sharing this image!

In the caption, the publication refers to an article written by Katia Hetter and published on CNN titled, I don't own my child's body.

 

“Katia Hetter taught her daughter an important lesson with a very simple phrase: 'I would like you to hug Grandma, but I won't make you do it.' Her then four-year-old daughter was going on what she describes as 'a hugging and kissing strike,’ the post begins. 

 

Instead of forcing her daughter to hug and kiss, Hetter used the opportunity to teach her daughter that it’s okay to say no.

 

As Hetter writes in her article: "I figure her body is actually hers, not mine. It doesn't belong to her parents, preschool teacher, dance teacher or soccer coach. While she must treat people with respect, she doesn't have to offer physical affection to please them. And the earlier she learns ownership of herself and responsibility for her body, the better for her."

 

While rejecting a hug from a family member might seem rude, Hetter says her daughter has to be “polite when greeting people.”

 

"When family and friends greet us, I give her the option of ‘a hug or a high-five.’ Since she's been watching adults greet each other with a handshake, she sometimes offers that option.” 

 

The upside to this is that when Hetter’s daughter does give someone a cuddle, they know it’s real!

 

The post has been shared over 173,000 times since October 19. The reaction on Facebook has been mostly positive with many describing Hetter's lesson as a "great idea".

 

"I never thought about the topic this way..." one commenter said. 

 

Another added: "Interesting thoughts about how we raise our children!"

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